I’m a metro transit commuter to and from work. The “to and from” gets a little tricky some days so we’ll use that term loosely for now. Without traffic delays it’s about a 25 minute commute door to door. Honestly, some days I wish it were longer when I have my head buried in a book (ok, so that’s maybe only happened a handful of times, but it sounds like a good use of time), only half my makeup done (pretty much a daily routine), or am just about to checkout my online shopping cart (guilty as charged). And then of course there are other days when it feels like it takes FOR-EV-VER. Like following a happy hour when you have to pee so bad you are sitting there trying to think of how you can make a quick exit after you’ve peed all over the seat. Or when you get a tickle in your throat and spiral into an epic coughing fit as you rip through your purse looking for anything to suck on to try to get it under control, only to come up empty handed. You are now completely aware that everyone is annoyed by you so naturally you break out into a sweat praying for it to stop or for someone to hand you a mint FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

This morning Deklan refused to get dressed, or put on his shoes, or brush his teeth, or leave the house because “he’s not ready!” He’s NEVER F*?$#NG READY! So of course I’m now 10 minutes behind schedule while we “work through it”. The buses run on a tight schedule so I had to sprint in order to catch the 8:07 to make into in the office {relatively} on time for my 8:30 meeting. When I climbed on board the bus was at capacity leaving standing room only. Ugh. Go figure. I loathe standing while riding the bus! I always feel like I’m one sharp turn away from taking everyone out in front of me. It all comes down to the hold and I’ve yet to master that.

You essentially have two choices: the pole that runs along the top of the bus, or the rubber loops that hang down from the pole –  which I imagine were built intentionally for this purpose. Let me just tell you though, neither choice is ideal. I’m 5’6 and in order to reach the pole I have to fully extend my arm which leaves my armpit awkwardly positioned directly overhead the person sitting in the aisle chair. The loop is at a more comfortable height, but it’s not sturdy. With every turn around the bend I’m swinging around like that it’s amateur hour at Rick’s Cabaret. Considering I’m on a bus full of business professionals I usually go with the uncomfortable, but obvious sturdier choice of the overheard pole. Here’s where I struggle though: I wouldn’t say I have great upper body strength, so using just one arm on the pole never gives me full confidence I won’t fall forward creating a domino effect. I’ve tested the two arm hold before – one on the left side and one on the right side – arms spread out like something Buffalo Bill just skinned and was about to wear before Clarice Sterling bursts through the door and blows his cover. “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.” It feels a bit over the top, if you know what I mean. So I always default back to the one arm hold and use my toes as extra leverage. The trick is to dig your heels into the floorboard with your toes curled under like a hawk about to swoop down and grab its prey.

Once your feet are planted firmly beneath you, the next dilemma you have to tackle is your bag(s). You’re a commuter so you always have at least one, if not two. Or if you are like me and frequently lunch at Saks Off 5th, you also have a few shopping bags thrown in the mix. So the question then becomes do you:

1. Put them on the dirty floor between your legs.
2. Put them on top of your feet so they are not touching the floor, but limiting your ability to pivot from front to back as needed.
3. Throw them over your free hanging shoulder and hold them tight against your body so as not to bump the head of the person who is comfortably sitting in the adjacent seat. OR…
4.  Set them on the ledge next to the door on the rare occasion you are lucky enough to stand in the spot at the very front of the bus just behind the driver.

This morning I had the luxury of choosing option D. Instead of holding on at all I just leaned my body forward against the ledge and started aimlessly trolling through my Facebook feed. I was completely wrapped up in the glamorous lives of others that I didn’t even realize we were already downtown and had made our first stop until I heard a man yelling “Miss, miss! You can have a seat now!” to which I politely declined because I was 5 minutes from my stop and it felt like more work to gather my things than it was worth. Just as I turned my attention back to the fantasy world of social media the driver laid on the horn, swerved to miss the car that pulled out in front of us, and then slammed on the breaks causing me to lose my balance. I was inches from slamming straight into the driver when my cat like reflexes kicked in and I grabbed the pole behind me saving myself from causing further damage – to my ego. Heart racing as I realized what could have been a FATAL scene, I glanced back at the seated patrons to see if anyone witnessed that shit show and just as I expected all eyes were on me –  including the smug little man who was now occupying the seat he had tried to offer me seconds before. He gave me this look and a shrug like I had it coming for turning down his chivalrous gesture. Pfft. I snatched my bag and what little bits of dignity I had left and made a quick exit at the next stop like a girl on the bus who is no stranger to public humiliation.