Is it too early to assume my {almost} 2 year has an addictive personality? The kid obsesses over things. We’ve already attempted one failed Intervention over his PBS video app addiction, but his pacifier addiction is just as bad, if not worse. He will have one in his mouth and one in each hand while trying to hold the phone so he can watch Elmo. It’s all of his vices in one sitting. The pediatrician has already told me twice now we need to start weening him off it or his teeth might come in crooked. I will admit I used to totally judge parents whose kid looked too old be walking around with a pacifer in their mouth, but now I’m all like, meh. I mean, they are baby teeth and will all fall out anyway so let’s pump the breaks a little. Besides, Deklan never took a pacificer and his teeth aren’t great. It doesn’t help that he fell over the handle bars of a tricycle when he was about 18 months old and chipped his front tooth, which has now turned 50 shades of gray – or black as he told me the other day when we were randomly washing his hands  in the bathroom:”Mom did you know I have a black tooth?” Also, let’s be real, name one person you know who never had braces? And if they didn’t have braces, it’s probably not because they didn’t need them ifyouknowwhatI’msaying…And what about all the people you know who had braces and still don’t have perfect teeth because, I don’t know, teeth are dicks. So forgive me, but I’m not in a real rush to pull it because it’s a plug to the screaming and crying and right now I could use a little less screaming and crying in my house.

On the flip side, it can make for some torturous car rides when I forget to bring one or when he drops it somewhere out of reach. The other day he had two – one in his mouth and one in his hand – he threw the one in his mouth on the floor because he needs constant attention, and then immediately regretted it and started yelling for me to get it. I obviously couldn’t reach it so I simply reminded him he had another one in his hand already. Apparently one wasn’t good enough, so he angrily chucked it on the floor out of reach along with the other one. Without missing a beat Deklan looked over at his brother who was now violently kicking and screaming and said, “well, now you don’t have any.” Touche, Deklan, touche.

I suppose there’s also the whole muffled speech thing that can be problematic. I have a hard enough time understanding what Carter is saying to begin with, so the plug only makes it harder. He will tell you a very animated story and all you’ll catch at the end is Elmo because he starts and finishes every thought with Elmo. I’m constantly saying, “take your paci out and tell me again.” And then there are pictures. You can’t attempt to remove it because he’ll immediately stop whatever adorable thing he was doing that I was trying to candidly capture and refocus his efforts on getting the paci back. He has a really great smile <his mom was voted Best Smile in high school so, naturally> that you can’t even see in 90% of his photos because it’s hiding behind a chunk of plastic. Although, to the Dr’s point at this rate his teeth are going to be so jacked he’ll probably be one of those closed mouth smilers for the rest of his life anyway. Like since when is just keeping them fed, safe, and happy not enough?  Now I have to worry about the way their baby teeth will grow in? Or what dependencies they’ll develop later in life because their mom let them have a pacifer until THEY decided they no longer needed it? It’s too much. It’s all too much. At the end of the day I just want to sit on the couch online shopping with an adult beverage in hand and ask myself 2 simple questions: Did you feed him today? Check. Did you hug and kiss him today? Check. Okay then! Now give yourself a pat on the back and pour another glass because your job for the day is done and it’s time to check out your shopping cart before daddy notices what you are doing. Dolla, dolla bills ya’ll!